Dear Reader, Hello.
I had so many questions earlier today that I wanted to write down for you, but I forgot. Sometimes I feel like I am outside of time. Like I skip a few hours on the weekends just staring at the garden and suddenly I forgot everything that I was thinking about. I think it’s a sign that my rest has been fruitful. Relaxed mind. How is time working for you lately?
I’m not sure of all the questions I had, but I know I was thinking about confidence and care. For much of my life I have been a person who wanted and needed other people to affirm my worth in order to believe that I was worthy. I struggle with confidence. I sometimes think I should shine less brightly.
In part, this is because of white guilt. I used to think I needed to make up for my whiteness by being quiet and not taking up too much space, and it’s true that white people take up too much space in the world as a whole, so that thought has a seemingly logical lineage, but being quiet is the wrong way to go because then whiteness just slips by unnoticed, as usual—as default, normative, invisible—part of assuming all else to be “other.” Whiteness can get away with being the only race that goes unsaid, unobserved. Ignoring something (usually) won’t make it go away.
So, one of the things I’ve been thinking about is creating ways to love myself better. To affirm myself so I’m not depending on others to do that. To reject the white guilt that makes me feel like I need to be small. This is not to say that I need to try to be big and take up space, but that shrinking to a point where I require someone else in order to feel good just makes other people work on me. It means I take up more space, really. I demand attention and love because I’m not secure enough in myself. It takes energy away from other things. My friends and loved ones have to try to make me feel better instead of all the other things we could be doing.
Sometimes I think we need the confidence to just say whatever we are going to say, knowing that sometimes it will be wrong, but not letting that potential for wrongness hold us back. Because we believe that overall, we will get it right, even if we mess up. Mistakes become forgivable. I have to forgive myself more. Forgiving myself is easier if I believe myself worthy of forgiveness. If I believe myself worthy of love.
I have to practice loving myself better, and that requires that I practice my own love language on myself. One of my strongest love languages is affirmations. I have to affirm myself for myself. My affirmation of the day is: I am good at adapting to changes and incorporating new ideas and actions into my life. I am good at adapting to changes and incorporating new ideas and actions into my life. I am good at adapting to changes and incorporating new ideas and actions into my life.
Prompt/Action (both at once!): What would your affirmation be today? How does your white guilt lead to a lack of confidence or inability to believe in yourself? When do you depend on others in order to feel good about yourself? What is your love language? Do some research to find out more about the types of love languages and try to understand which resonates with you. Then, figure out how to practice that on yourself. You might be able to research suggestions for this as well. Think about how to incorporate this kind of love practice into your daily life.
Let me know what you came up with in the comments!
I’m planning on writing up affirmations for myself and saying them aloud every day. I hope it helps me focus on positive things about myself, instead of negative things. I think this kind of thinking change can have a really big impact. I guess we’ll see! Thanks for coming along on the journey with me!
Until tomorrow,
Gwen
P.S. If you know of anyone else who would be interested in reading these posts, please share!
I love the words “love language” and that you’ve noted that your strongest one Is “affirmations.” For some reason, this has brought back a memory. Almost fifty years ago, I read a little book, “The Way of a Pilgrim: The Jesus Prayer Journey” by Glen Pokrovsky, about a Russian peasant-wanderer who had a burning desire to understand the meaning of St. Paul’s words: “to pray wIthout ceasing.” His tale and what he discovered made a deep impact on me. This was made even more significant by the fact of my performing, during the same time frame as reading this book, the bassoon part for a piece of music for small ensemble by the Russian composer, Igor Stravinsky, called “A Soldier’s Tale” (L’Histiore du Soldat) in which the poor soldier is tricked into selling his soul to the devil. Given what I knew all those years ago about the dark and the light of life on this planet, I also sought ways forward that opened doors to being/doing better. For me, the words “prayer” and “affirmation” both hold the promise of this.